How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
