what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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