One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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