I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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