Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
