i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
