I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
