Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
