If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
