My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
