I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just threw up on my dentist
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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