I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
