I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
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