so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
