I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
