Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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