i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I met the friendliest cop last night
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
