I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
