DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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