Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize