I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
