did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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