Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
