New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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