if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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