k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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