Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
