My Higher Power is John Stamos
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
did you just send me my own nude
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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