stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
