you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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