i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
