Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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