Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
