Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
