they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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