the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
love makes seman taste better
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
