Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
