he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
