he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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