I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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