I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We're too hungover to prance.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize