i need an iv and a liver transplant
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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