Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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