I just threw up on my dentist
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
