all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Found the puke drawer
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
