my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
