I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
