I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize