they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
