it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize