I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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