i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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