how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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