I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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