hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
