You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
