hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
