I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
